wrestling the inner critic

I didn’t watch all the Olympics, but I watched enough to cry at “the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.”  I’m all in for the tears. Generally, I’m not a crier and my feelings often get filtered through my thoughts. But something about sports brings out my feelings and tears like few things do. That’s especially true with the Special Olympics. More than the stellar performances, which are gripping enough, it’s the stories of the athletes that move me. Like Simone Biles, rising from poverty to Greatest of All Time, after dropping out last time with the “twisties.” Suni Lee, overcoming kidney disease, to stand on the podium again. Julien Alfred, whose father died when she was 12, who carried her nation, Saint Lucia, on her shoulders with pure joy all over her face. So many more stories. 

The story I found most surprising, and tear jerking, was that of the swimmer Calaeb Dressel. In a video he described the 2020 Olympics when he was celebrated as a hero and returned home with 5 gold medals. He wife saw in that interview what no one else did: “he was hiding his pain; I could tell.” She was right. Dressel described the agony of shame that overwhelmed him. He could not shake the pain of “not good enough.” His inner critic relentlessly berated him for not winning the other two races. “Not good enough” kept him from sleeping; kept him from feeling anything but shame and pain. He quit swimming, found a therapist and is now gradually coming closer to acceptance - grace. “It’s a continuing process of not letting my inner critic dominate my life. I will never have peace until I have to have a better relationship with the water and myself.” The birth of their child helped the process. 

At these Olympics, he did not win a single medal. He cried. The vulnerability of a world class swimmer cracked open the hearts of many others, including myself, who have struggled with an inner critic.  What he displayed is the struggle and the reality that one can be a whole person without being perfect. The medals are great. Even greater is loving the game and enjoying the water.

Caleab didn’t mention a religious background in this interview. For Christians, the only sure antidote to the demons of shame and “not good enough”, which we can all experience, is God’s grace: the undeserved and unmerited free gift of eternal love in Jesus Christ.   

PS: I have to mention another favorite moment. Simone Biles holding her gold medal, declaring “I love my black job.”